On Spirituality

Lately, I have become more interested in spirituality and the living bases of faith and trust. This is, in part, due to a long-standing personal struggle that I have been facing, which has been catalysed by a path of solution that I once took on. I say 'once' because it has since stopped being my solution, but I still believe it to be a path I needed to take in order to reach a place where I can now even start to believe in something that isn't myself.

It is difficult to describe exactly what the words 'faith' and 'trust' mean to me. I have been programmed to keep people at a distance with a ten-foot steel pole, and I whack everybody who tries to reach within that locus. Without trying to be melodramatic, I have a soul sickness so intense that only the very determined or the very ruthless can get past, and even then it is within moments of my consent. When I talk of emptiness, it is just talk, but then I talk of hollowness, and it's like this pit within me that still hasn't stopped digging itself out.

I have learned that I am an incredibly dishonest person. I will never forget this, because it's one of the most valuable lessons I've learnt this year. Dishonesty is what cuts me off from the people I most love, it's how I manipulate and scheme and go in search of a material achievement that continually trips me up, it's what eats me so completely from the inside that I'm only left with a shell. It's my ten-foot steel pole.

On to my topic for the day ... So what does it mean to be spiritual? Is it being 'in the moment', as so many have suggested?

I don't deny that 'living in the moment' could be part of the grand solution. But for me, I just don't think it's enough, because when I'm suddenly forced to stop and stand still, I don't know why I do it all: why I go through every day, why I try for internships for some future-job that I'm not all that interested in, why I'd put myself through hard work when I have only been discontented with any results.

If I start to believe in God, am I weak? It's like throwing myself into the sea without knowing there's a boat nearby. How strong can my faith be if all I've ever known to believe in is Positive Affirmation? Even then, Positive Affirmation fails because it only depends on me.

As you can see, I am in the in-between. I am frightfully aware that 'me' is not enough to give me purpose, but I still need to let go, and keep letting go, to trust that there has always been something else keeping me alive all this while.

I suppose my greatest question is this: What if I throw all caution to the wind and believe, and believe and believe and believe, and then find out there wasn't anything to believe in in the first place?