Sad. Sort of.

Because it doesn't matter whether you remember what your ambitions are, or if you've even got any. What matters is that you stick to your guns, you plod on and toil away and sweat it out; what matters is making damn sure you go the distance.

Needless to point it out, but NADA. No writing juice flowing. I've literally stopped writing for a week now. Everything seems constructed somehow, already done, already written, and I need something so original that the technical right of my brain refuses to cooperate with its artistic counterpart.

Makes me pretty pissed off, truth be told. Is it because I haven't been reading the right books?

Quotes from Brida

When Ayne (from whom I got this book) told me that it was a good read, I didn't quite believe her. Mostly because I'd read another Paulo Coelho book before and it didn't quite 'click' with me. But even if I'm not too fond of the presentation style, I can understand its appeal, and I actually bookmarked a few quotes because they're so ... true.

'That Faith cannot be explained. It was simply a Dark Night.'

'Remember, the first road to God is prayer, the second is joy.'

'There were no beautiful or ugly bodies, because all had followed the same trajectory.'

'Everyone has a Gift, but they choose not to see it. You accepted yours, and your encounter with your Gift is your encounter with the world. / But why? / So that you can plant God's garden.'

'If he hadn't wanted [Adam and Eve] to eat [the apple], he would never have mentioned it. / So why did he, then? / In order to set the Universe in motion.'

'People give flowers as presents because flowers contain the true meaning of Love. Anyone who tries to possess a flower will have to watch its beauty fading. But if you simply look at a flower in a field, you will keep it forever, because the flower is part of the evening and the sunset and the smell of damp earth and the clouds on the horizon.'

'I will always remember now that love is liberty.'

God

Today I believe in God. And this is the funny thing, because it's more of shame and regret than gratitude. Shame, guilt, regret.

Bizarre Memories

Okay, so I've always known that people may surprise you with what they remember. Until this summer back home, however, I didn't know I'd be on the receiving end. So yes, it does feel bizarre when someone (ahem!) tells you that you wanted to buy this shirt once upon a time (which you've forgotten about), and you said something funny regarding that shirt (which you forgot too), and the cashier looked at you funny when you were paying (forgot), and your friend had to pay for you (forgot), and then you paid her back two months later (forgot).

Bizarre? Yes I think so! Mostly because my memory seems to have failed me a few embarrassing times now.

On another note, a big 'Thank You' to Sarah for lending me Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult. A wonderful read. If anyone's reading this, and if you're a big reader like myself, get books from her! This book-loving girl has a mad stash of books (mad, being figurative, of course, but it comes close). And add her as a friend on Shelfari. She knows what she's reading XD

Rewards in Life

... and even though I've lived too short to even consider that life should grant me rewards, it has.

For one, I have incredibly brave friends. I don't know what I've done to deserve you mad lot, but it must have been something right. Secondly, I've got a fine family. Not perfect, but as long as we try, we come pretty close. Thirdly, I know I'm about to change the world.

I've actually paused in the writing. Simply because the juices aren't flowing! Mind you, I'm awfully frustrated (can you tell by the exclamation mark?) but I'll keep on keeping tabs. It's only pissing me off. No big.

And I'm thinking I would really like to come back for Christmas this year. Spending Christmas away from home, away from family, away from old friends - it's not exactly meriah.

Savage Garden

One of the most perfectly written lyrics around:

And when the stars are shining brightly

In the velvet sky,

I'll make a wish

Send it to heaven

Then make you want to cry..

The tears of joy

For all the pleasure and the certainty.

That we're surrounded

By the comfort and protection of..

The highest power.

In lonely hours.

The tears devour you.. 

I want to stand with you on a mountain,

I want to bathe with you in the sea.

I want to lay like this forever,

Until the sky falls down on me... 

I know. I'm such a sucker for words.
Oh. And I just passed my driving theory test! Ujian 1 down!

Deleting 2,000 words

Yes. This coffee writer has just deleted 2,000 words from her piece. At first, I was all like, I took FOREVER coming up with that, you moron! But I also knew it was necessary, because rambling is different from actual writing.

Hence, my written stuff has just dwindled into a meagre pile of ... well, less words than before. And I also discovered a lot of detail that I'd inserted before, most of which needs to be carefully taken into account. Annie can't be John's mother if she was Mac's mother before.

That said, I've been studying the 500 questions for the Undang theory test tomorrow. So not ready for it, but here goes.

so BAD

Just went through this part of the novella. It's so bad it's not even funny. And I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to salvage it.

[ Start of venting ]

HOW the FUCK am I supposed to invent gold out of a 23,000-words worth of ABSOLUTE crap? Should I change it all to present tense? Add scenes? Add drama? Add people? And HOW am I SUPPOSED to make THIS ONE CHARACTER more interesting? He is so boring I could fall asleep just reading about his hair.

And when I cut out the ramblings, EVERYTHING is too SHORT and too UNDESCRIBED, and I don't even have enough of 40,000 words to QUALIFY for a novelLA.

It's like I have to rephrase EVERYTHING.

*howls*

[ End of venting ]

Ugh.

Edits

They're not kidding when they tell you to read ( for goodness' sake ) before you write. Because there ain't no point in writing nuts when you babble.

Looking back on what I've written so far, I can safely say that no one will have it published even after adding another 40,000 words. I wouldn't have it published. So the editing part is crucial. While I'm having some trouble deciding whether or not to add scenes or characters, and whether or not to make it a novella instead of a full-length novel, at least it's a step in the right direction. Knowing what your drawbacks are, that is.

I guess it's just important to know what you want from a novel / novella. There is this plot that I very much wish was on the market, and since it obviously isn't, I have an opportunity sprung wide open. And what I want from a novel is tight writing, subtlety, drama, and good humour. Personally, I know I fall a little short on the humour part, which annoys me to hell.