Above All

I seldom get personal on my blog. Like, really personal. And I also try to avoid any reference to religion of any sort, but today is about to be an exception.

Basically, I have been raised Catholic, but never baptised. My parents wanted to give me the option of choosing my beliefs when I became old enough (Mum's Buddhist, Dad's Catholic), so I was never born baptised. My grandmother used to tell us stories about God, and Jesus, and she'd talk to us about Mother Mary, and even though I asked silly questions, she would always answer me patiently.

I guess in many ways, God has always been there for me. Sometimes, I seem to be blind to His presence. Sometimes, I'm so self-centred that I forget that He is the one who grants me everything that I have. Sometimes, I am too warped in my own problems and troubles that I have failed to see, on numerous accounts, the light that He always promises ahead of me. Worse still, sometimes, I go to Him only when I have no other resort, when I am already desolate and desperate, when I am already at the brink of falling over.

Why is it that I am so full of pride? Is it what it's called? Because I am always convinced I am so strong that I do not need His help.

But the truth is, I'm not. I'm not strong at all. Sometimes, I feel so weak that life doesn't even seem worth living. I'd feel sad, angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, and it is only when my self-esteem is at pit-bottom, I'd turn to myself instead, and that hurt becomes me.

God, You have been with me every step of the way. Is it because I choose not to see You? Or am I only thrusting faith in You because I need You so much right now?

I want to believe, Lord.

Please help me.